After everything was somewhat back to normal with my health, my life itself began to go back to normal as well. As I mentioned in the last blog, we had just switched from the Baptist church I had grown up in to a small Pentecostal church in the new town we were now living. The changes were very noticeable in some areas and not-so-much in others. For starters, the Pentecostal church was a bit smaller. Not as much the structure, but attendance was less than half of that at the Baptist church: about 20-25 souls on a good Sunday, compared to about 50-60 at our Baptist church. My mother and I usually attended the mid-week meetings, as she worked on weekends. The attendance at these services were even lower.
The dress of the attendees was a bit different too. At the Baptist church you were always in your Sunday best and I remember a lot of the older men wearing suits. At our new Pentecostal place of worship, everyone dressed up, but it was a lot more causal - a good pair of jeans and a nice button-up shirt was commonplace. I liked that. My fellow churchgoers weren't much different either. Being a small, rural area it's expected. Everyone was extremely nice, friendly and caring. They carried their worn KJV Bible and had bright smiles wherever they went. I still admire the kindness I encountered during this time and still consider some of these folks as some of the most caring and compassionate people I have ever met. We disagree on a lot now, but that doesn't change that.
The regular agenda for a service was slightly different than the Baptist services...
Baptist:
- Welcome by the pastor
- Church choir would sing some hymns (I would sometimes join in on stage)
- Sermon began with topic/verse(s) - kids would go into another room for Sunday school.
- Usually a collection plate was passed around at this time, but sometimes it happened at the end. I was usually given a dollar to place in the plate.
- Pastor wraps up with prayer requests, and occasionally a soul would be saved
- Music would play as everyone meandered through the crowd shaking hands/hugging, fishing trips and recipes were spoken of and then goodbyes until next time.
Pentecostal:
-Welcome by the preacher
- Get right into the sermon/verse
-Prayer requests, testimonies
-"Prayer circle" formed, where a specific person needing/wanting prayer would have hands laid on them and the church join in.
-Preacher's wife would start on the piano and our preacher would wind down with a meaningful sendoff.
Not too different in comparison, but the content is really where things were different...
The biggest difference between the two places of worship was the atmosphere. Our Baptist church stuck to the basic structure, which was quiet and a lot of times just boring. On the other hand, our Pentecostal church wasn't boring at all. If you don't know anything about Pentecostalism, you may have heard of some of the things that sound a bit...odd, if you're not familiar with it. For example, it's completely normal for one or several in attendance to break out in loud prayer, many times "speaking in tongues" - which I can best describe as a flowing of broken words(English), mainly syllables, with pauses and increased/decreased pitch. I always thought it was nothing but gibberish, but it was explained to be as a special language one speaks when the Holy Ghost has entered the body and only God is able to understand it. I never questioned it. I never spoke in tongues and not everyone in the church did or as I was told, "could". I thought I'd try one time when I felt this urge during a service to just spout words coming to my head, but I was afraid God wouldn't see it as sincere. I feel that most who did it felt the same way I did, but just acted on it. Accompanying the tongue-speaking would sometimes be loud shouts, jumping up and down, stomping, running through the church etc. - most of the church was older and most of those that participated were older, but a few younger attendees(30-40's) sometimes joined in as well. I noticed that it was usually women that partook in the antics, but some men(including the preacher) did some jumping, running and speaking in tongues. I, nor my mother, were never ones that did this - though my aunt(grandfathers sister) did quite a bit. You could find me frequently with my eyes closed and hands raised praising God. It was quite the experience and I felt really close to God at my new church.
I'm sure some of you read that and thought it sounded pretty strange and a lot of crazy. Looking at it now, it was. But at the time, it was completely natural to me. If any of those things happened, it was not the least bit strange in my eyes. It would actually be strange if we made it through a service and at least one person didn't run, jump, yell etc. That's just the way it was, but it didn't end there. Another portion of the service was the "laying of hands". It was typically towards the end of service and could last well over an hour itself. It's also where the antics I mentioned above kicked into a higher gear. After the sermon, which was usually not very long, our preacher would say that if anyone wanted to be anointed or prayed for to come on up to the front. At that time, the entire church would walk up to the front to participate - to take part in the prayer(lay hands), not all would request to be prayed for. Here's what would happen:
After the call was made by the preacher and everyone was at the front near the altar, the person who wanted to prayed for would step up to the preacher. Most of the time they would state what they wanted prayer for: whether it be an illness, a physical pain, anxiety/stress etc. Even if you wanted it for a family member, you could by prayer over and pass that on to the person(seems legit, huh?). You could also not have any particular reason, just that you wanted it or felt you needed it. Sometimes others would volunteer you: my mother and aunt frequently volunteered me, but with the recent bouts with cancer and secondary health issues from treatment, I felt I needed it as much as anyone. Once in front of the preacher, everyone would start to place hands either on you directly or on someone that had their hand on you. The preacher would then pull out a vial of oil for anointing (olive oil that was prayed over), place some on his thumb and rub, sometimes making a cross, the oil on your forehead. Still with me? He would then place his hand on your head, or sometimes a particular place that needed healing if it was a particular part of your body - mine was my neck and chest to ward off any future relapses of caner - and start to pray out-loud along with all of those to your side and behind you with their hands placed on you as well. The prayers would usually start in a low-pitch manner, then rise higher as it progressed. Those who spoke in tongues would often break out in tongue during this time while others might jump and make convulsing motions while they had their hand on you. It was not uncommon at all for people to "pass out" or as I was told, drunk with the spirit of the lord. Since there were so many around you, falling back would be met with hands to catch you and ease you down to the floor. Sometimes someone wouldn't be around to catch and they would just fall on their own. But I never noticed anyone's body go completely limp as they would fall lightly to the floor bracing themselves.
I want to add that this wasn't the ridiculous antics like you might have saw Benny Hinn do on TV where he looks like he smacking or casting holy lightening bolts at people as the freeze and fall over. These weren't plants in the crowd(there were only about 15-20 of us normally), this wasn't televised and it wasn't an act for new members since 1) there were hardly any new folks coming in and 2) it happened every service. I don't think people were being dishonest at all, they were doing what they felt. The church was a place to let loose and they did. I certainly don't think they were possessed by God. Why? Because you can find people in very similar trance-like states in numerous religions, under the influence of certain drugs or altered mental states. The brain is powerful thing and something like religion obviously has great effects on it. If this was the God you worship, how can you explain followers of other deities experiencing the same thing? - insert link
As you can see, there was quite a bit of difference. I enjoyed this kind of service and interaction. I felt I was closer to God doing it the Pentecostal way, it was much more lively. It wasn't boring at all, which I had felt guilty about growing up and going to church when I was younger with long, tedious sermons. I felt that wasn't for me, but I had found my place with this particular brand of Christianity. Everything good that happened to me during this time I attributed to God and the services I was attending. The anointing oil, the hands laid, the prayers shouted etc. were all responsible for me defeating cancer and more importantly not relapsing again. I felt good after service, I felt I was protected by God's hand. Though you couldn't see Him, He was always there I thought.
*Nothing during this time ever shook my faith, though there really wasn't much that happened in the first place. With time passing and my cancer staying in remission, my faith only grew stronger and stronger.
In 2006, my great-grandfather passed away at the age of 82. He had been very sick for months before, so it wasn't a shock to anyone. I actually felt some solace when he passed away because of the faith in God I held so tightly to. My great-grandmother, his wife, passed away on New Years day 1997. She was a very devout Pentecostal Christian and kept my grandfather on a path away from alcoholism he struggled with throughout his live. She was the foundation of the family and even though I was only seven when she passed, I was completely heartbroken. I still tear up thinking about her to this day and my memories of her seem more abundant and clear than they should sixteen years later. My grandfather was never the same after she was gone. He always seemed empty and unhappy in the years after. He loved her with everything he had and he missed her as much as someone could ever miss anything. So when he passed, I found comfort in the thought that he had reunited with her in heaven and they were finally back together, forever. Even with this loss, I wasn't that upset because I was confident I would see my grandfather again.
This is a comfort religion offers and something I personally found comfort in during any loss I suffered during this time. It's something I wish I could believe in now. Who else wouldn't want to believe in a time of loss that you'll eventually get to see your loved ones again? Naturally many do and plug through life following a religion for the promise of paradise and to see the ones they lost along the way. As a former Christian, it's something I understand that's hard to let go. I realize now that while this belief dulls the sting of death, it can be one of the most destructive parts of religion. Why? I'll explain...
If you thought that you were going to have a never-ending life with your loved ones after you die, how important does that make your current life? To me, it degrades it and makes it less meaningful. The truth is that this is the only life we get, it's the only thing we know exists. The world is billions of years old and you're here and gone in a blink of an eye. A tiny sliver of time in the grand event we call life. You have this short time to spend with your loved ones, to love, to laugh, to help others...to live. This isn't a rehearsal for eternity, this is the entirety of your eternity. While religion may inspire some to be good and do great things, it often causes a lot of neglect of their one true life. I now realize that I won't be seeing my grandfather again. While that's a hard pill to swallow, it makes our time together that much more special. You also learn how precious your time is with your family and life overall is. Looking at life through atheist eyes is something more than profound. It an appreciation for the world and all that's in it that can only be found in the view of a godless prism.
As I mentioned before, my faith only grew stronger with the death of my grandfather. It was almost was less than two weeks before Christmas in 2006 when he passed. Christmas was hard that year, but we pulled through. While this event wasn't the turning point in my journey towards atheism, another event would end up sparking it.
In 2007 there was an "riff" in our church. A friend of the family wanted to become a deacon in the church, which is one of the "leaders" and assists in the service - though this differs from denomination to denomination. She was a little more involved already and wanted to be a preacher herself. She would ask to speak on behalf of someone requesting prayers and it would usually turn into a short sermon in itself. I never thought anything about it and no one seemed to mind. I probably couldn't tell you who the other deacons were in the church, it wasn't as obvious as it was in the baptist church we attended before. What I do know is that the few who were deacons/leaders, they were all male. When she made her request, she was turned down. I wasn't there of course, but she said that it was made clear that it was because she was a woman. This is something very common in a lot of denominations, something I didn't really know but would find out why it was.
When I heard the reason was because she was a woman, I couldn't understand it at all. I was confused and upset as to why that would be the case. I was raised by a single mother and around strong women all my life, so I never understood the male-dominated gender roles pushed by Christianity. I also never saw any of the women being treated differently in service, so why would this be an issue? It turned into such a big issue with my mother and aunt that they stopped attending the church regularly, though they did still attended. Within a few months, the woman decided to start her own church and she would be the preacher. In such a church the gossip spread quickly. This led to members "taking sides" with some joining the new church, some staying and some attending both. Though I completely supported her becoming a deacon, I didn't like the fact that the issue essentially divided the congregation. To me Christianity was all about union, community and joining together to worship God. I saw no reason people should feel like they should pick sides. We were all Christians, why couldn't we get along? My mother attended her church and of course I joined. I still didn't feel right about leaving the other church, though I wasn't forbidden to go myself and never felt unwelcome by the preacher at the old one.
This incident, however, changed the way I looked at organized religion. I was never a fan of the mega-churches at all. A massive building with tens of thousands of members didn't appeal to me. The community was diminished and the relationship with the pastor was as well. The pay they received and the ungodly amount of money spent on those churches were ridiculous and off-putting to me. Growing up in poverty and attending hole-in-the-wall churches surrounded by folks that struggle with so many issues and I felt needed prayers and God that would bless them with what they needed(of course that never happened, but still). With this new incident in a tiny Pentecostal church, I learned that the hypocrisy existed no matter how large your Sunday gatherings were. That even when we were so close, we could divide ourselves and push God aside. Not long after the switch to the female pastors church, I didn't feel like attending very often. I felt some resentment at her for what ended up dividing the church, anger at the old pastor for rejecting her request at the same time and guilt for leaving folks I had grown to love at my old church. I decided to sit home and keep my relationship with God intact. I convinced myself that by cutting out the middleman/woman, I could have the best connection with Jesus/God. I turned into one of those "it's not about the religion, it's about the relationship" people. I didn't think I needed a church to worship God and with all that happened, I was sure God would understand.
When I removed myself from church, I did a lot more reading and studying of the bible on my own. There was no service to attend, which meant there was no select lesson/verses given to study or reflect on. What I didn't know was that the bible itself would end up making the strongest case against religion and God I have ever found. Usually, in my church anyway, the pastor would read a few verses and deliver the message he has interpreted from it. Of course the verses are usually uplifting ones about Gods love, a "teaching" moment, and sometimes what will happen if you don't "get right" with the Lord. Even the harsher messages of fire and brimstone never really touch the juiciest parts of bible. Naturally, I had only gotten the censored version of the good book like most do.
The first thing I wanted to do when I began my scripture searching was to find a solution to the issue that divided my church. I hadn't given up on it completely and I thought I could make a pretty good argument that might bring everyone back together. Yes, I was that naive. My plan was to find verses in support of women and their role in church. Verses that would show women were equal to men and had every right to serve the church and God. Adam and Eve were made from each other, after all. So this is what I did and it didn't turn out how I planned. With the help of the internet and my cherished Youth Bible, I found the verses about women and their place in church...
1 Corinthians 14:34-36
Let your women keep silence in the churches: for it is not permitted unto them to speak; but they are commanded to be under obedience as also saith the law. And if they will learn any thing, let them ask their husbands at home: for it is a shame for women to speak in the church.
Ephesians 5:22-24
Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands , as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.
1 Timothy 2:11-15
Let the woman learn in silence with all subjection. But I suffer not a woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence. For Adam was first formed, then Eve. And Adam was not deceived, but the woman being deceived was in the transgression. Notwithstanding she shall be saved in childbearing.
Titus 2:4-5
Teach the young women to be ... obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed.
Not only did I not find anything to support the female preacher, I found everything that speaks against her being a deacon in the church. The Bible is very clear in that not only they can't serve in that role, they're not even allowed to speak in a church. When it comes to misogyny, a lot of the sexism we see in today's age has quite a bit to do with the biblical gender-roles. If it weren't for these misogynist ideas espoused in the Bible, the world might be a much different place. It wasn't until the late 19th century to present day that we see women shedding these dated and ridiculous biblical bondage's.
"Religion, especially the Christian religion, has
condemned woman to the life of an inferior, a slave. it has thwarted her nature
and fettered her soul, yet the Christian religion has no greater supporter.
none more devout, than woman. Indeed, it is safe to say that religion would
have long ceased to be a factor in the lives of the people, if it were not for
the support it receives from women. The most ardent churchworkers, the most
tireless missionaries the world over, are women, always sacrificing on the
altar of the gods that have chained her spirit and enslaved her body."
---- Emma Goldman
This didn't sit well with me, naturally. I was raised and surrounded by strong women all of my life. They were all religious to boot. How could something like this be in the Bible? The Holy Book? The Word of the Almighty? I was surprised to say the least. I hadn't been exposed to any of this. I hadn't heard any verse like this from the pastor, at youth meetings or reading it on my own(assigned/suggested sections). I began to look further. This had to be some mistake, something taken out of context. There's no way God wanted women to be treated like that, to be completely silent and submissive. The women in my family certainly never followed that. I had to look further, maybe there was more that could find. So, I tried and found verses that made things worse...
1 Corinthians 11:5-9
And every woman who prays or prophesies with her head
uncovered dishonors her head--it is just as though her head were shaved. For if
a woman is not veiled, let her also be shorn: but if it is a shame to a woman
to be shorn or shaven, let her be veiled. For a man indeed ought not to have
his head veiled, forasmuch as he is the image and glory of God: but the woman
is the glory of the man. For the man is not of the woman; but the woman of the
man. And the man was not made for the woman, but the woman for the man.
Deuteronomy 22:28-29
If a man happens to meet a virgin who is not pledged to be
married and rapes her and they are discovered, he shall pay her father fifty
shekels of silver. He must marry the young woman, for he has violated her. He
can never divorce her as long as he lives.
Deuteronomy 22:13-21
If a man takes a wife
and, after sleeping with her, dislikes her and slanders her and gives her a bad
name, saying, “I married this woman, but when I approached her, I did not find
proof of her virginity,” then the young woman’s father and mother shall bring
to the town elders at the gateproof that she was a virgin. Her father will say
to the elders, “I gave my daughter in marriage to this man, but he dislikes
her. Now he has slandered her and said, ‘I did not find your daughter to be a
virgin.’ But here is the proof of my daughter’s virginity.” Then her parents
shall display the cloth before the elders of the town, and the elders shall
take the man and punish him.They shall fine him a hundred shekels of silver and
give them to the young woman’s father, because this man has given an Israelite
virgin a bad name. She shall continue to be his wife; he must not divorce her
as long as he lives. If, however, the charge is true and no proof of the young
woman’s virginity can be found, she shall be brought to the door of her
father’s house and there the men of her town shall stone her to death. She has
done an outrageous thing in Israel by being promiscuous while still in her
father’s house. You must purge the evil from among you.In looking for more supportive verses to help the church situation and forgetting the horrible ones I had first found, it just got a lot worse. I found verses that forbid a woman for not keeping her head covered, making a rapist marry his victim as punishment and a verse that allows a man to claim his wife is not a virgin, make the parents prove it(impossible) and if they can't(they can't), she gets stoned to death. I was shocked. It went from strong misogyny to plain evil. What was going on? How could this be in my scared scripture, God's own words to us? None of this was making sense. I can already feel that some reading this said to themselves that I have it all wrong, that I am cherry picking, am unable to understand those verses and the context around them. I thought of all of those things and more myself. It was an internal struggle to not make excuses and talk myself out of questioning. I'll be talking about more about that in the next blog and why verses like the ones quoted are so important.
At this time I had quickly forgotten about the ordeal going on in church, I had to straighten some things out immediately. If this was in the Bible, what else was? I kept hoping and praying that maybe this was it. I could probably write it off as mostly Old Testament stuff that's outdated. In that time, this was the norm and maybe I just didn't understand it. Regardless, I wasn't going back to church anytime soon. I needed to actually read and research my own religion I clinged so tightly to. I had taken it in at an early age, never questioning: it was forbidden anyway. I had gotten the PG version of the Bible, now after digging further I found that the "bad things" were so much worse than I could have imagined. I read my bible and read it some more. My world as I knew it, simply the prism I looked through, changed my entire life in such a short amount of time. My foundation was shook like it had never been before. My path toward atheism and a godless, yet so fulfilling, had begun. For the first time in my life I was growing, but as I'll explain, it was a slow, confusing and painful process to get here now...
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